Welcome to the side of the internet you don't talk about at the pub. If you thought you knew everything about getting down and dirty, think again. We're here to take you on a ride through the weird fetishes some people love that will make you go "what the fuck is wrong with them?!"
Trust us, you won't be disappointed... or maybe you will, but either way, it's going to be a wild ride!
Here is what people are actually getting off on while the rest of us are just trying to throw a leg over.
The "How Does That Even Work?" Kinks
Let's start with the ones that just make you scratch your head. These aren't necessarily dangerous, but they definitely make you wonder how the conversation goes when bringing it up on a first date.
Trichophilia: This is when someone is sexually attracted to long hair. The length of hair that qualifies as "fetish long" is not well-defined, and some people may have a mild case of this fetish. It's not just liking a nice hairstyle; it's the hair itself that does the heavy lifting.
Psellismophilia: A fetish where individuals get sexually aroused by stuttering. While most of us get nervous when we trip over our words, there's a group of people out there who find it irresistible.
Tripsolagnia: These are people who find getting their hair shampooed sexually arousing. It is often compared to visiting a rub 'n' tug. To be fair, a good scalp massage is elite, but taking it to the bedroom is a different game.
Macrophilia: Individuals who are aroused by giant things. There are films that depict massive individuals engaging in sexual acts with regular-sized people. It's basically Godzilla, but make it spicy.
The "Keep That Away From Me" Kinks
Then you get into the territory where you really start questioning humanity. These are the ones that require a very specific set of circumstances.
Kleptolagnia: A sexual fetish where individuals get aroused by stealing. It is different from mere theft as it causes sexual excitement in the person. Imagine trying to explain that one at the courthouse (and we don't believe it's a defence that will work - just to be clear).
Climacophilia: These people find sexual pleasure in watching people fall down stairs, and the longer and more painful the fall, the more exciting it is for them. Another thing that shouldn't have a label- but here we are.
Mysophilia: A fetish where people find rotting flesh sexually attractive. Yeah, we don't want to think about this one too much either. Moving right along.
Coprophilia: Two Girls, One Cup baby! A kink where individuals get aroused by literally crap or watching others go to the bathroom. And it gets worse... coprophagia is specifically the fetish of eating it. Hard pass.
The "Objectifying... Literally" Kinks
Some people don't even need another human being to get the motor running. They prefer things that don't talk back.
Katoptronophilia: A fetish where individuals get aroused by mirrors and may engage in sexual activities in front of their reflections or with others in front of mirrors. At least you know they think highly of themselves.
Agalmatophilia: The fetish of being sexually attracted to inanimate objects such as statues, dolls, and mannequins. Keep these blokes (and ladies) away from the mannequins at Myers.
Ursusagalmatophilia: A fetish where individuals get aroused by teddy bears, and they may prefer them to actual people.
The "Wait, What?" Kinks
Just when you think you've heard it all, the internet delivers these absolute gems.
Spectrophilia: People who get aroused by ghosts, and the idea of busting ghosts turns them on. Who ya gonna call? Probably a therapist.
Abasiophilia: The fetish for leg braces or orthopedic appliances. Dunno where this one came from.
Hobophilia: A fetish where individuals have sexual fantasies about homeless people. We can only hope that some homeless people have had a great time over this.
Claustrophilia: We all know the fear of tight spaces, but this is what its called when that stuff gets you standing at attention.
The "Absolutely Cooked" Kinks
If you made it this far, here are the ones that will probably make you realise that's enough internet for today.
Axillism: The desire to have sex with someone's armpit because regular body parts are just too mainstream.
Paraphilic infantilism: A fetish where individuals wear diapers and pretend to be a baby. These people should be on a list.
Chelonaphilia: When people are attracted to turtles. Don't ask us how that works logistically.
Formicophilia: The fetish of having bugs crawl on your genitals.
Hematolagnia: A fetish where individuals drink blood in a sexual way... we blame Twilight.
The Bottom Line
Look, whatever happens behind closed doors between consenting adults is their business, but after reading some of these, you have to admit... vanilla isn't looking too bad right now.
Next time you think your mate has weird taste in women, just remember there's a bloke out there trying to sweet-talk a turtle.